Crossroads

Not too long ago, a friend of mine was feeling out of sorts….confused….lost. The beautiful paradise where he had been living for the last ten years was no longer financially viable for him. His relationship with his girlfriend had ended…and held on….and ended….for good. The job he had poured his heart and soul into felt like that too, was done. For him, everything had sort of exploded….and he had no idea where he was going in life, really.
He knew he had to go back to his roots where he grew up and find his way from there, for now. It seemed like the best option.
It took me back to a time when I too, was dumbfounded. At the time, I was recently separated from my husband and in my own state of shock. I was freshly moved to California, had just completed massage school…was going through some major transformations within and without. I had no idea where I was going and how I was going to get there. I just didn’t know….anything.
I had known so many aspects of my life until then….it was orderly and I kept it organized the way I was comfortable with. I had always had a plan, even if the plan was to go be brilliantly and nakedly spontaneous….but there was always a plan, nonetheless.
Now, there was NO plan. What’s worse, I didn’t KNOW anything. I had always prided myself on KNOWING.
A different friend at the time asked me what it looked like.
What did it look like, this vision of my life…
All I could see in my mind and heart is that I had climbed some sort of knoll….there was fog around, I could see nothing beyond the fog. The fog was thick and it started probably a foot from me, leaving very little visibility.
This foggy knoll stayed a while. I had no idea where I was going.
But through a lot of clear-headed introspection, a lot of time spent sitting in quiet meditation, going to yoga classes, eating better than ever before and not drinking or smoking….not filling my mind with substances and noise and distraction…the only clue I had was this need to go to the coast in Northern California.
So, I moved out and met the right people, the exact people I needed in those moments….things were going well. I was doing massage, I was making money, I was re-visiting Kundalini Yoga, which I hadn’t practiced since I was about 16. Things felt nice, I decided to stay a while longer…try to make money, continue to travel.
But I still didn’t know where I was going in my marriage. How do you make a decision when there are no clear thoughts either direction?
I just didn’t know. I was tired of not-knowing. I wanted answers, I always knew! It didn’t matter what part of my life I was confused about, I always knew what needed to be done.
I had been learning to read the wisdom in my body. Our bodies are so vastly intelligent. They are connected to so many subtle pathways of wisdom that our logical mind can’t readily detect. So, I tried to read the answer in my body.
Should I go back to Utah and try to work out my marriage? Try to work out things with this man I had loved for 18 years? (He had moved away from California because it wasn’t suiting him.)
In my body, I felt constriction. My muscles would constrict and my heart would feel tight.
Every time I would ask my body the same question, these are the feelings that were generated. I was shutting down the mind and listening to my body. To me, this was a clear “no.” It seemed like going to Utah was out of the question.
Meanwhile, I was starting to get impatient and grasp at the future. Well, am I going to be alone for the rest of my life? Who am I going to be with? Anyone? Will I ever have a family? I really wanted a family. Where am I going to live? What will my career look like? HOW am I going to make money? Not a little, but a sizeable amount?
I started grasping at what the future was supposed to look like, because I needed anchors. I needed something to ground me, some clearance through the fog…..I started to grasp at well, nothing…just thoughtforms and projections and whatever I could.
My 33rd birthday was approaching and I wanted to do something special for such a powerful birthday. I decided to snowshoe solo into a backcountry cabin in the Sierra Nevada Mountains with my dog.
No big deal. It was only approximately 3 miles in. Perfect!
I started early to late-ish afternoon, thinking I would be just in time for sundown. I was definitely a little late getting in, and would never recommend that. Especially if you are going into the backcountry alone, always start early.
And always bring a flashlight, or a headlamp.
I had forgotten mine. Home was 5 hours away, and just hadn’t remembered…after all, I was a traveling gypsy. I wasn’t sure where I would end up day after day in those days…..
Well, I started in on the hike. There was an older snowpack, so I was following older prints. It was beautiful and I wanted to get to the cabin before dark and all, so I kept a good pace while still enjoying the view along the way. Throwing snowballs at the dog and such.
It started to get dark. As a rule, when it starts to get dark in the mountains, especially in the winter, it can get dark rather quickly.
I started panicking a little bit, really wanting to find the cabin. After all, if I didn’t find it in time, I would be stuck in the Sierra Nevada with no light source and no shelter. It’s not like I was carrying a tent or anything. I was going to a cabin. I however, did have a sleeping bag and pad. Regardless, the idea of building a snow cave and trying to huddle with my freezing dog, with no other human around didn’t sound fun at all.
Now my mind was starting to race with what could happen and I started to breathe heavy. The fear was starting to make me feel a little weak.
The footprints were becoming lighter.
The “path” of footprints up until this point had been great. Now, they were fading. They were hard to see.
I made sure I felt a strong, divine connection so I could hear any clear instructions I might be given. I knew that fear and panic were no way to make your way quickly and efficiently.
But the footprints….I couldn’t see them.
“What do I do?” I pleaded to the beautiful mountains and the angels.
Where are you?
I am right here, right now.
Exactly. Look where you are standing.
I looked down.
You are so busy looking too far forward, you are missing the step you are on right now.
Look for only the next step.
I looked, and saw it faintly.
Good. Now, where is the next step?
I don’t see it.
Wait for it to present itself.
I relaxed my gaze, and there it was.
And this is how I took each step….step by step, until at the very last possible minute of visible light in the Sierra Nevada backcountry, there it was, the cabin. It just appeared before me like a beautiful gift.
And then I saw the beautiful gift that had been given to me on my 33rd birthday. A lesson in slowing down, remembering to breathe, and trust, and take each step as it is presented. Don’t look too far for all the steps you want to see, but see only the steps right in front of you. Sometimes the step right in front of you isn’t even visible. So you have to wait, and trust that step will present itself.
And be OKAY with not knowing.
Okay with not knowing?
Okay with not knowing. I didn’t need to know everything about my own life anymore. I was being asked to let go and let divinity weave its wild magic into my life without my interfering….let some beauty be orchestrated without my help.
I was at a crossroads. And so was my friend, the one who was leaving Hawaii. Crossroads can be so….darn…..foggy.
But I know one thing from experience. Moments are always changing. What you don’t know now, you’ll probably know later. Where now you feel pain, later you will feel joy. Where now it is foggy, later it will be light and more clear. Everything is always changing. You are not made to feel what you are feeling right now, forever. There is a natural state of balance, of equilibrium. Knowing this has got me through many a dark night.
And sometimes it is just your perfect medicine at the moment, being asked to sit in the fog quietly, patiently, and wait for the next step or clue to present itself. And even though it can be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, you do it, because it is all you know at the moment. It is all you can do.
I am sending this out to those of you who are at your own crossroads and can’t see clearly. My prayer is that you will see through the darkness and find your shelter in the night.