Grief….it is a funny beast. When someone very near and dear to you passes on to the next great unknown phase of being, it doesn't just happen all in one fell swoop. It's not like that person dies, you are sad for a few weeks, you get over it and go on with your life. Maybe it is that way for some people. However, for most, I think, including myself, grief raises it's head in waves. It peeks out here and there, sometimes when you might least expect it. For me, my mother dying is like this huge intangible web. I can't quite touch it. I can sense it, I know it is around me…but it is fibrous, and silky. It flows in the wind, hangs onto things….like cobwebs that stick to your hair. Sometimes you just walk smack dab into the midst of it….. caught, sticky, messy. Other times, the wind blows it away. But I can never quite put my finger on it, can't quite say, "this is what this is."
In some ways, grief is like love. You cannot put it into a nice, definitive envelope and store it away. You cannot put it together like a puzzle. Sometimes it makes absolutely no sense at all, the dying process, the fact that some people in our lives are meant to be super and powerful and then so hugely absent. Some people, we think will ALWAYS be there…we can't imagine life without them. We take them for granted. My mother birthed me, she watched me grow, she gave me gifts of becoming a decent member of society. I never imagined she wouldn't be around to know MY children. I never imagined I would be longing to talk to her at such a young age! I never thought that both my mother and father would be gone before I hit forty.
You just never think these things…and if you do, you shudder at the thoughts, you try not to think about them.
I can't make sense of my mother's death, or even my father's, for that matter. Sure, in a human, evolutionary sense, I can. We are born, we die. But in the larger scope of it all, it makes no sense. Why do some people die and some people live? Why do some people break down and never recover over another's death, and some remain seemingly unaffected? Why do some close off in anger and others remain like an open, gaping wound?
The strange thing that I am feeling is that witnessing my mother's death and holding her while she passed…it made me less afraid to die. I have never been afraid of the dying process, until I had a child of my own. The thought of someday leaving her behind if she were still a child seemed unbearable to me. But now, the thought seems more bearable. For I see how we all must die. It isn't just a thought anymore, I SEE it. I FEEL it. It is just some deeper understanding within now.
Going through my mother's death made me less afraid of the state of the world. The horrible amounts of radiation that are affecting our air, our waters, our food…..these things that no one even talks about anymore, yet I think about every day. It made me less afraid of nuclear war and cancer and violence. It made me less afraid of natural disasters, becoming ill, losing my sanity. Because somehow, her death put me more in touch with the great unknown, the fact that at the very end, she wasn't afraid, she wanted to go. She knew that where she was going was okay, it was okay to leave, something was there awaiting her with love and open arms. She reached out her hands and said, " I want to go." I heard that, I witnessed that. Before that moment, in the days before, when she couldn't breathe, I witnessed pure terror in her eyes. At the end, all that terror was gone. All that remained was acceptance and willingness…surrender. My soul was touched by the knowing that all these terrors we face as individuals and communities are nothing. They seem huge right now, and they DO matter and we should fight with all our might to bring love, peace and balance to this world, but in the end, all of this just doesn't matter. Our egos will melt away and we will succumb to the larger process and we will go……we will trust. We will be welcomed with open arms….and everything we have been fighting in our lives will just melt away, our earthly heaviness will be lifted. We will soar.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
my mother's gift
From my birth, to this day,
my mother has always been there.
If I needed anyone to listen to me, when no one else would,
I knew I could talk to my mother.
If I needed unconditional caring and love,
I knew I could get that from my mother.
If I needed some seriously opinionated truth,
I knew I could receive that from my mother.
When I became a mother, I became a mother because every ounce in my spirit wanted to be a mother.
I never knew how much giving would be required.
But as this giving was required, I gave it up without reservation, without question.
Same as my mother.
She taught me how to love like no one else can love.
She taught me how to counsel, like no one else can counsel.
We didn't always agree, in fact we rarely agreed.
She was real.
She was the glue of our family.
When our family was falling apart with no hopes of revival,
she brought us back from the dead.
When war was ravaged in our hearts,
she brought peace to our suffering.
She dug me out of many holes.
She brought light into dark times.
She was the power of woman incarnate.
She was the healer, the forgiver, the wisdom weaver.
We were generations apart, but the bridge between us was made of gold.
If I could ever think of one most important quality of being a mother,
that quality would be love.
Beyond anything else, love is the most important quality of mothering a child,
a family, a nation.
MY mother showed me the power of unconditional love.
MY mother showed me through example.
MY mother was the embodiment of unconditional love.
I will carry this gift with me into many generations….
because this is the gift that keeps on giving…..
and keeps on living…..
without question, through all time.
And this is the gift that I am most grateful for.
This is the gift my mother showed to me,which I will show to my daughter,
which she will show to her daughter, to her son, to her family.
And on and on into the generations.
I give thanks, to my mother and her incredible heart.
Her incredible love.
Her beauty unbreakable.
my mother has always been there.
If I needed anyone to listen to me, when no one else would,
I knew I could talk to my mother.
If I needed unconditional caring and love,
I knew I could get that from my mother.
If I needed some seriously opinionated truth,
I knew I could receive that from my mother.
When I became a mother, I became a mother because every ounce in my spirit wanted to be a mother.
I never knew how much giving would be required.
But as this giving was required, I gave it up without reservation, without question.
Same as my mother.
She taught me how to love like no one else can love.
She taught me how to counsel, like no one else can counsel.
We didn't always agree, in fact we rarely agreed.
She was real.
She was the glue of our family.
When our family was falling apart with no hopes of revival,
she brought us back from the dead.
When war was ravaged in our hearts,
she brought peace to our suffering.
She dug me out of many holes.
She brought light into dark times.
She was the power of woman incarnate.
She was the healer, the forgiver, the wisdom weaver.
We were generations apart, but the bridge between us was made of gold.
If I could ever think of one most important quality of being a mother,
that quality would be love.
Beyond anything else, love is the most important quality of mothering a child,
a family, a nation.
MY mother showed me the power of unconditional love.
MY mother showed me through example.
MY mother was the embodiment of unconditional love.
I will carry this gift with me into many generations….
because this is the gift that keeps on giving…..
and keeps on living…..
without question, through all time.
And this is the gift that I am most grateful for.
This is the gift my mother showed to me,which I will show to my daughter,
which she will show to her daughter, to her son, to her family.
And on and on into the generations.
I give thanks, to my mother and her incredible heart.
Her incredible love.
Her beauty unbreakable.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
New Beginnings
And then one day, it hits you. The life you have been living, giving your all, is over. DEAD......gone.
You are done. You are ready to move on. Ready to move into the new realms of possibility, new realms of yourself. The giving and giving and giving you have been doing.....whatever debt you had to pay, whatever thing you had to prove, it is complete. It is over.
It is a death. It is a birth. It is a complex cycle of mystery that has fascinated humanity for centuries. All things have their own course. All cycles have their time of completion.
I HONOR, I RESPECT, I GIVE THANKS to this cycle coming to completion in my life. I am so grateful for everything it has taught me.
So grateful to know that I deserve better. So grateful that I am taking the steps to receive it. So grateful for my own courage and faith.
You are done. You are ready to move on. Ready to move into the new realms of possibility, new realms of yourself. The giving and giving and giving you have been doing.....whatever debt you had to pay, whatever thing you had to prove, it is complete. It is over.
It is a death. It is a birth. It is a complex cycle of mystery that has fascinated humanity for centuries. All things have their own course. All cycles have their time of completion.
I HONOR, I RESPECT, I GIVE THANKS to this cycle coming to completion in my life. I am so grateful for everything it has taught me.
So grateful to know that I deserve better. So grateful that I am taking the steps to receive it. So grateful for my own courage and faith.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Celebration For One
Ahhhhh…..milestones. The dictionary defines a milestone as a significant event in the life, stage or development of a person. I never truly thought much of them, until I had a child. Now, everyone says, "oh….goody, a milestone!" every time something noteworthy happens. I don't know whether to be excited or frightened….do too many milestones indicate time moving too quickly? I waited my entire life to have a child. It's going SO fast! (and worth every last, little, incredibly beautiful drop.)
My daughter and I recently shared a large milestone; the end of our breastfeeding relationship. In actuality, it has only been one week. It is bittersweet. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and go for it again, because I miss that deep connection. However, the amount of hugs I now receive from her, has probably quadrupled. She runs to me and lays the BIGGEST hugs on. We are missing that breastfeeding relationship and compensating with LOTS of hugs and kisses. I never knew life could be so sweet. She is a fountain of unending, unconditional love, and not just for me, but for most everyone she meets…especially women.
To mark this momentous occasion, I explained to my partner (her father) that I was GOING AWAY for awhile….(only three days, but mind you, three quiet, blissful, days….no baby, no hubby, no lists of "shoulds", no nagging feeling of guilt that I'm not doing something I should be doing….just QUIET.) He wasn't all that hip on the idea but he knew I needed it. I have spent the last 13 months of my life pretty much exhausted, a bit bitchy, and pretty reclusive. I never realized the toll pregnancy and breastfeeding would have on my mind and body, until I was in it. However, I would do it all over again in a second. I just didn't realize how selfless mothers truly are. My hormones have been wacky, I have been eating SO much food. It's like the hunger never stops. I felt that things would balance out a bit if we cut off the breastfeeding, not to mention her painful teeth. Although I had reservations, I just felt it was time. Some mothers would probably wince in horror at that statement. She stopped breastfeeding her daughter at 13 months? WHAT?????
Well, I've said it before and I'll say it again: NO ONE can tell you what is right for you and your child. Every relationship is different and unique.
So, I decided to give it a go, and create this milestone of ending the breastfeeding. I left for three days and went to enjoy some nice, quiet contemplation in wine country/hot spring territory. Generally, I find hiking/backpacking to a natural hotspring one of the most enjoyable things in life. However, this time, I decided I needed a hotel room, a piped in mineral water hot tub, masseuses nearby and some fabulous food (and some of the best wine on the planet.) After all, I deserved it.
I drove a couple hours south to Calistoga, California. I stayed in a nice room with a big screen TV (a treat for me, as I don't get TV.) I sat in a mud bath sucking every last little toxin out of my body, while, consequently thinking I might die from the heat. (I didn't.) I then received a fabulous massage from a 22-years-experienced massage therapist, complete with "facial." Pure heaven. I didn't enjoy any fabulous food that night, because I just kind of melted into bed. Guess what? I didn't have any interruptions. Just pure, un-adulterated sleep.
The next evening, I wanted to experience the best food Calistoga had to offer, so I made a reservation (for one) at Solbar….a restaurant at an incredibly posh resort called Solage. I figured paying upwards of $300 per room per night was a little over-the-top, but fine dining is worth every penny, so I went and had some dinner there. I was craving soup. I scanned the menu and saw nothing that resembled soup. When my darling server came around, I asked her if they had soup. "Well, of course, but it is a veloute'. See?….right here," and pointed to the soup listing. Funny thing, I had just made a chanterelle 'veloute' a few nights before and it didn't even register. It was a new term for me. It basically translates to "the most incredibly silky, creamy, and delicious french style soup that will ever go into your mouth." It takes time and is definitely a labor of love, but worth every last silky bite.
So I ordered the veloute'. It was quite possibly, the most delicious soup I had ever experienced. It was made with winter squash and sweet potato. Swirled on top was some scrumptious type of oil……a 'kurbiskernol'…..well, I have no idea what that even is. The oil swirled with toasted pumpkin seeds. When I got to the bottom of the bowl, there was some charming fuji apple-blackcurrant relish in the perfect sized little chunks to blend with the already perfect synergy of the rest of the dish. Oh my…….harmonious bliss.
I then went on to the next course…..scallops. These scallops were grilled with saffron butter (yes, saffron…another ingredient I have been playing around with in the kitchen lately.) Some delicious type of homemade sausage and accompanied with yukon gold potato gnocchi (another favorite of mine.)
But I didn't stop there. Being a Pinot Noir lover (due to the direct result of living in the perfect climate for Pinot Noir grapes)….I ordered a "flight" of Pinots. Basically, this is like a tasting tray of different pinots. There were three to taste in this particular flight. Each one tasted completely different from the other ones. It was like sampling drops of the Goddess incarnate. Before educating myself on what I was actually drinking (the different makes and models, so to speak) I chose a favorite. Of course! My favorite was a 2007 from Calera…at $120 per bottle. Again, I like to spoil myself sometimes, but $120 for a bottle is a little out of my budget, so I was just extremely grateful I could taste what a $120 bottle of Pinot tastes like. Simply divine.
But what's some pinot noir without chocolate? I settled on a valrhona chocolate marquise with salted almond creme anglaise. What the hell is that, you might ask? Well, basically it came out as a slice of dense, decadence-style mousse-y stuff in a 'loaf' of sorts. I alternated bites with sips and in a blissful state realized how happy I was sharing this milestone with no one but myself. I didn't have to speak (only to the server and busboy)…I didn't even have to think. I didn't have to worry about driving, because everyone walks everywhere in Calistoga. So, I was free to focus on the incoming sensory information cascading down on my tastebuds. It's amazing. I realize sometimes fine food needs to be eaten in silence. That way, your senses are amplified. How does the food taste? How does the food feel? How are the different herbs and spices and ingredients affecting my body? It's a whole different experience.
Mind you, this restaurant was not a place you would bring your child. To have your child being loud and throwing food on the floor…well, it probably wouldn't go over very well. This is precisely why I chose this place. I hadn't been able to go to a fine-dining establishment since my daughter was born. (I have definitely saved a lot of money on food this last year.)
If you are ever in Calistoga, you owe it to yourself to visit Solbar at Solage Resort. It was worth every penny and every delicious bite (and sip.) My celebration for one. Now I just had to go back to my room and enjoy the mineral water piped in hot tub and another night of blissful, un-adulterated sleep. Ahhhhhhh………………
My daughter and I recently shared a large milestone; the end of our breastfeeding relationship. In actuality, it has only been one week. It is bittersweet. Sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and go for it again, because I miss that deep connection. However, the amount of hugs I now receive from her, has probably quadrupled. She runs to me and lays the BIGGEST hugs on. We are missing that breastfeeding relationship and compensating with LOTS of hugs and kisses. I never knew life could be so sweet. She is a fountain of unending, unconditional love, and not just for me, but for most everyone she meets…especially women.
To mark this momentous occasion, I explained to my partner (her father) that I was GOING AWAY for awhile….(only three days, but mind you, three quiet, blissful, days….no baby, no hubby, no lists of "shoulds", no nagging feeling of guilt that I'm not doing something I should be doing….just QUIET.) He wasn't all that hip on the idea but he knew I needed it. I have spent the last 13 months of my life pretty much exhausted, a bit bitchy, and pretty reclusive. I never realized the toll pregnancy and breastfeeding would have on my mind and body, until I was in it. However, I would do it all over again in a second. I just didn't realize how selfless mothers truly are. My hormones have been wacky, I have been eating SO much food. It's like the hunger never stops. I felt that things would balance out a bit if we cut off the breastfeeding, not to mention her painful teeth. Although I had reservations, I just felt it was time. Some mothers would probably wince in horror at that statement. She stopped breastfeeding her daughter at 13 months? WHAT?????
Well, I've said it before and I'll say it again: NO ONE can tell you what is right for you and your child. Every relationship is different and unique.
So, I decided to give it a go, and create this milestone of ending the breastfeeding. I left for three days and went to enjoy some nice, quiet contemplation in wine country/hot spring territory. Generally, I find hiking/backpacking to a natural hotspring one of the most enjoyable things in life. However, this time, I decided I needed a hotel room, a piped in mineral water hot tub, masseuses nearby and some fabulous food (and some of the best wine on the planet.) After all, I deserved it.
I drove a couple hours south to Calistoga, California. I stayed in a nice room with a big screen TV (a treat for me, as I don't get TV.) I sat in a mud bath sucking every last little toxin out of my body, while, consequently thinking I might die from the heat. (I didn't.) I then received a fabulous massage from a 22-years-experienced massage therapist, complete with "facial." Pure heaven. I didn't enjoy any fabulous food that night, because I just kind of melted into bed. Guess what? I didn't have any interruptions. Just pure, un-adulterated sleep.
The next evening, I wanted to experience the best food Calistoga had to offer, so I made a reservation (for one) at Solbar….a restaurant at an incredibly posh resort called Solage. I figured paying upwards of $300 per room per night was a little over-the-top, but fine dining is worth every penny, so I went and had some dinner there. I was craving soup. I scanned the menu and saw nothing that resembled soup. When my darling server came around, I asked her if they had soup. "Well, of course, but it is a veloute'. See?….right here," and pointed to the soup listing. Funny thing, I had just made a chanterelle 'veloute' a few nights before and it didn't even register. It was a new term for me. It basically translates to "the most incredibly silky, creamy, and delicious french style soup that will ever go into your mouth." It takes time and is definitely a labor of love, but worth every last silky bite.
So I ordered the veloute'. It was quite possibly, the most delicious soup I had ever experienced. It was made with winter squash and sweet potato. Swirled on top was some scrumptious type of oil……a 'kurbiskernol'…..well, I have no idea what that even is. The oil swirled with toasted pumpkin seeds. When I got to the bottom of the bowl, there was some charming fuji apple-blackcurrant relish in the perfect sized little chunks to blend with the already perfect synergy of the rest of the dish. Oh my…….harmonious bliss.
I then went on to the next course…..scallops. These scallops were grilled with saffron butter (yes, saffron…another ingredient I have been playing around with in the kitchen lately.) Some delicious type of homemade sausage and accompanied with yukon gold potato gnocchi (another favorite of mine.)
But I didn't stop there. Being a Pinot Noir lover (due to the direct result of living in the perfect climate for Pinot Noir grapes)….I ordered a "flight" of Pinots. Basically, this is like a tasting tray of different pinots. There were three to taste in this particular flight. Each one tasted completely different from the other ones. It was like sampling drops of the Goddess incarnate. Before educating myself on what I was actually drinking (the different makes and models, so to speak) I chose a favorite. Of course! My favorite was a 2007 from Calera…at $120 per bottle. Again, I like to spoil myself sometimes, but $120 for a bottle is a little out of my budget, so I was just extremely grateful I could taste what a $120 bottle of Pinot tastes like. Simply divine.
But what's some pinot noir without chocolate? I settled on a valrhona chocolate marquise with salted almond creme anglaise. What the hell is that, you might ask? Well, basically it came out as a slice of dense, decadence-style mousse-y stuff in a 'loaf' of sorts. I alternated bites with sips and in a blissful state realized how happy I was sharing this milestone with no one but myself. I didn't have to speak (only to the server and busboy)…I didn't even have to think. I didn't have to worry about driving, because everyone walks everywhere in Calistoga. So, I was free to focus on the incoming sensory information cascading down on my tastebuds. It's amazing. I realize sometimes fine food needs to be eaten in silence. That way, your senses are amplified. How does the food taste? How does the food feel? How are the different herbs and spices and ingredients affecting my body? It's a whole different experience.
Mind you, this restaurant was not a place you would bring your child. To have your child being loud and throwing food on the floor…well, it probably wouldn't go over very well. This is precisely why I chose this place. I hadn't been able to go to a fine-dining establishment since my daughter was born. (I have definitely saved a lot of money on food this last year.)
If you are ever in Calistoga, you owe it to yourself to visit Solbar at Solage Resort. It was worth every penny and every delicious bite (and sip.) My celebration for one. Now I just had to go back to my room and enjoy the mineral water piped in hot tub and another night of blissful, un-adulterated sleep. Ahhhhhhh………………
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Prayer for Our Planet
What an exhilarating, mind-staggering, incredibly powerful time to be alive on this planet. Here we are in 2010. All the prophecies point to these days as the most intense, and boy are they ever! We have experienced unprecedented earthquakes, storms, tsunamis, floods, droughts, illnesses. While we can react in fear, this is not the choice for me. When I feel overwhelmed, I breathe....and I pray.
I pray for the beings on the planet. May they awaken to their full potential. I pray for the healing of the planet, her systems, her plants, animals, minerals, people. I pray for my daughter, her children, that the next generations have a safe place to live and play and breathe and dance. I pray that greed gets replaced by gratitude, that selfishness gets replaced by generosity. I pray that complacency gets replaced by action, ignorance by knowledge.
I pray for the oceans...that all the creatures within it are free to live without toxic influence, without garbage, without sonar disruptions and migratory blockages. I pray for the winged creatures, that they have safe places to nest and procreate and eat.
I pray for myself...that I have the strength, patience and wisdom to live each and every single day as the living gift that it is, that I don't forget my roots and the planet that gave me life.
I pray for the angels, that they continue to whisper awakenings into our ears. I pray for our higher selves to be welcomed into our consciousness. I pray that we all awaken from this deep, dreamy sleep. I pray that we do not drown in our own toxic seas, that we do not choke on our own toxic airs, that we do not get poisoned by our own toxic "foods."
I pray that coldness gets replaced by kindness, that love becomes the norm. I pray we eradicate "hate" and eventually have no concept of it. I pray for everyone who has cancer, for everyone that is lonely, for everyone that is confused. May they know their own strength within and be comforted by its grace.
I pray for you and your family. Thank you for reading this. May you walk in dignity and grace. May you be supported, loved, and honored. May you return this ten thousand fold to the world around you.
I pray for the beings on the planet. May they awaken to their full potential. I pray for the healing of the planet, her systems, her plants, animals, minerals, people. I pray for my daughter, her children, that the next generations have a safe place to live and play and breathe and dance. I pray that greed gets replaced by gratitude, that selfishness gets replaced by generosity. I pray that complacency gets replaced by action, ignorance by knowledge.
I pray for the oceans...that all the creatures within it are free to live without toxic influence, without garbage, without sonar disruptions and migratory blockages. I pray for the winged creatures, that they have safe places to nest and procreate and eat.
I pray for myself...that I have the strength, patience and wisdom to live each and every single day as the living gift that it is, that I don't forget my roots and the planet that gave me life.
I pray for the angels, that they continue to whisper awakenings into our ears. I pray for our higher selves to be welcomed into our consciousness. I pray that we all awaken from this deep, dreamy sleep. I pray that we do not drown in our own toxic seas, that we do not choke on our own toxic airs, that we do not get poisoned by our own toxic "foods."
I pray that coldness gets replaced by kindness, that love becomes the norm. I pray we eradicate "hate" and eventually have no concept of it. I pray for everyone who has cancer, for everyone that is lonely, for everyone that is confused. May they know their own strength within and be comforted by its grace.
I pray for you and your family. Thank you for reading this. May you walk in dignity and grace. May you be supported, loved, and honored. May you return this ten thousand fold to the world around you.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Ode to the Giants
there is something to be said
about being in a grove of redwoods
somehow you feel surrounded
by quiet, ancient Spirits
the silence so deep
that within...you hear a melody
soft, like velvet
it touches you; runs its fingers
across your cheek
and whispers...
of secrets old and wise
like the moon.
about being in a grove of redwoods
somehow you feel surrounded
by quiet, ancient Spirits
the silence so deep
that within...you hear a melody
soft, like velvet
it touches you; runs its fingers
across your cheek
and whispers...
of secrets old and wise
like the moon.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Crossroads
Not too long ago, a friend of mine was feeling out of sorts….confused….lost. The beautiful paradise where he had been living for the last ten years was no longer financially viable for him. His relationship with his girlfriend had ended…and held on….and ended….for good. The job he had poured his heart and soul into felt like that too, was done. For him, everything had sort of exploded….and he had no idea where he was going in life, really.
He knew he had to go back to his roots where he grew up and find his way from there, for now. It seemed like the best option.
It took me back to a time when I too, was dumbfounded. At the time, I was recently separated from my husband and in my own state of shock. I was freshly moved to California, had just completed massage school…was going through some major transformations within and without. I had no idea where I was going and how I was going to get there. I just didn’t know….anything.
I had known so many aspects of my life until then….it was orderly and I kept it organized the way I was comfortable with. I had always had a plan, even if the plan was to go be brilliantly and nakedly spontaneous….but there was always a plan, nonetheless.
Now, there was NO plan. What’s worse, I didn’t KNOW anything. I had always prided myself on KNOWING.
A different friend at the time asked me what it looked like.
What did it look like, this vision of my life…
All I could see in my mind and heart is that I had climbed some sort of knoll….there was fog around, I could see nothing beyond the fog. The fog was thick and it started probably a foot from me, leaving very little visibility.
This foggy knoll stayed a while. I had no idea where I was going.
But through a lot of clear-headed introspection, a lot of time spent sitting in quiet meditation, going to yoga classes, eating better than ever before and not drinking or smoking….not filling my mind with substances and noise and distraction…the only clue I had was this need to go to the coast in Northern California.
So, I moved out and met the right people, the exact people I needed in those moments….things were going well. I was doing massage, I was making money, I was re-visiting Kundalini Yoga, which I hadn’t practiced since I was about 16. Things felt nice, I decided to stay a while longer…try to make money, continue to travel.
But I still didn’t know where I was going in my marriage. How do you make a decision when there are no clear thoughts either direction?
I just didn’t know. I was tired of not-knowing. I wanted answers, I always knew! It didn’t matter what part of my life I was confused about, I always knew what needed to be done.
I had been learning to read the wisdom in my body. Our bodies are so vastly intelligent. They are connected to so many subtle pathways of wisdom that our logical mind can’t readily detect. So, I tried to read the answer in my body.
Should I go back to Utah and try to work out my marriage? Try to work out things with this man I had loved for 18 years? (He had moved away from California because it wasn’t suiting him.)
In my body, I felt constriction. My muscles would constrict and my heart would feel tight.
Every time I would ask my body the same question, these are the feelings that were generated. I was shutting down the mind and listening to my body. To me, this was a clear “no.” It seemed like going to Utah was out of the question.
Meanwhile, I was starting to get impatient and grasp at the future. Well, am I going to be alone for the rest of my life? Who am I going to be with? Anyone? Will I ever have a family? I really wanted a family. Where am I going to live? What will my career look like? HOW am I going to make money? Not a little, but a sizeable amount?
I started grasping at what the future was supposed to look like, because I needed anchors. I needed something to ground me, some clearance through the fog…..I started to grasp at well, nothing…just thoughtforms and projections and whatever I could.
My 33rd birthday was approaching and I wanted to do something special for such a powerful birthday. I decided to snowshoe solo into a backcountry cabin in the Sierra Nevada Mountains with my dog.
No big deal. It was only approximately 3 miles in. Perfect!
I started early to late-ish afternoon, thinking I would be just in time for sundown. I was definitely a little late getting in, and would never recommend that. Especially if you are going into the backcountry alone, always start early.
And always bring a flashlight, or a headlamp.
I had forgotten mine. Home was 5 hours away, and just hadn’t remembered…after all, I was a traveling gypsy. I wasn’t sure where I would end up day after day in those days…..
Well, I started in on the hike. There was an older snowpack, so I was following older prints. It was beautiful and I wanted to get to the cabin before dark and all, so I kept a good pace while still enjoying the view along the way. Throwing snowballs at the dog and such.
It started to get dark. As a rule, when it starts to get dark in the mountains, especially in the winter, it can get dark rather quickly.
I started panicking a little bit, really wanting to find the cabin. After all, if I didn’t find it in time, I would be stuck in the Sierra Nevada with no light source and no shelter. It’s not like I was carrying a tent or anything. I was going to a cabin. I however, did have a sleeping bag and pad. Regardless, the idea of building a snow cave and trying to huddle with my freezing dog, with no other human around didn’t sound fun at all.
Now my mind was starting to race with what could happen and I started to breathe heavy. The fear was starting to make me feel a little weak.
The footprints were becoming lighter.
The “path” of footprints up until this point had been great. Now, they were fading. They were hard to see.
I made sure I felt a strong, divine connection so I could hear any clear instructions I might be given. I knew that fear and panic were no way to make your way quickly and efficiently.
But the footprints….I couldn’t see them.
“What do I do?” I pleaded to the beautiful mountains and the angels.
Where are you?
I am right here, right now.
Exactly. Look where you are standing.
I looked down.
You are so busy looking too far forward, you are missing the step you are on right now.
Look for only the next step.
I looked, and saw it faintly.
Good. Now, where is the next step?
I don’t see it.
Wait for it to present itself.
I relaxed my gaze, and there it was.
And this is how I took each step….step by step, until at the very last possible minute of visible light in the Sierra Nevada backcountry, there it was, the cabin. It just appeared before me like a beautiful gift.
And then I saw the beautiful gift that had been given to me on my 33rd birthday. A lesson in slowing down, remembering to breathe, and trust, and take each step as it is presented. Don’t look too far for all the steps you want to see, but see only the steps right in front of you. Sometimes the step right in front of you isn’t even visible. So you have to wait, and trust that step will present itself.
And be OKAY with not knowing.
Okay with not knowing?
Okay with not knowing. I didn’t need to know everything about my own life anymore. I was being asked to let go and let divinity weave its wild magic into my life without my interfering….let some beauty be orchestrated without my help.
I was at a crossroads. And so was my friend, the one who was leaving Hawaii. Crossroads can be so….darn…..foggy.
But I know one thing from experience. Moments are always changing. What you don’t know now, you’ll probably know later. Where now you feel pain, later you will feel joy. Where now it is foggy, later it will be light and more clear. Everything is always changing. You are not made to feel what you are feeling right now, forever. There is a natural state of balance, of equilibrium. Knowing this has got me through many a dark night.
And sometimes it is just your perfect medicine at the moment, being asked to sit in the fog quietly, patiently, and wait for the next step or clue to present itself. And even though it can be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, you do it, because it is all you know at the moment. It is all you can do.
I am sending this out to those of you who are at your own crossroads and can’t see clearly. My prayer is that you will see through the darkness and find your shelter in the night.
He knew he had to go back to his roots where he grew up and find his way from there, for now. It seemed like the best option.
It took me back to a time when I too, was dumbfounded. At the time, I was recently separated from my husband and in my own state of shock. I was freshly moved to California, had just completed massage school…was going through some major transformations within and without. I had no idea where I was going and how I was going to get there. I just didn’t know….anything.
I had known so many aspects of my life until then….it was orderly and I kept it organized the way I was comfortable with. I had always had a plan, even if the plan was to go be brilliantly and nakedly spontaneous….but there was always a plan, nonetheless.
Now, there was NO plan. What’s worse, I didn’t KNOW anything. I had always prided myself on KNOWING.
A different friend at the time asked me what it looked like.
What did it look like, this vision of my life…
All I could see in my mind and heart is that I had climbed some sort of knoll….there was fog around, I could see nothing beyond the fog. The fog was thick and it started probably a foot from me, leaving very little visibility.
This foggy knoll stayed a while. I had no idea where I was going.
But through a lot of clear-headed introspection, a lot of time spent sitting in quiet meditation, going to yoga classes, eating better than ever before and not drinking or smoking….not filling my mind with substances and noise and distraction…the only clue I had was this need to go to the coast in Northern California.
So, I moved out and met the right people, the exact people I needed in those moments….things were going well. I was doing massage, I was making money, I was re-visiting Kundalini Yoga, which I hadn’t practiced since I was about 16. Things felt nice, I decided to stay a while longer…try to make money, continue to travel.
But I still didn’t know where I was going in my marriage. How do you make a decision when there are no clear thoughts either direction?
I just didn’t know. I was tired of not-knowing. I wanted answers, I always knew! It didn’t matter what part of my life I was confused about, I always knew what needed to be done.
I had been learning to read the wisdom in my body. Our bodies are so vastly intelligent. They are connected to so many subtle pathways of wisdom that our logical mind can’t readily detect. So, I tried to read the answer in my body.
Should I go back to Utah and try to work out my marriage? Try to work out things with this man I had loved for 18 years? (He had moved away from California because it wasn’t suiting him.)
In my body, I felt constriction. My muscles would constrict and my heart would feel tight.
Every time I would ask my body the same question, these are the feelings that were generated. I was shutting down the mind and listening to my body. To me, this was a clear “no.” It seemed like going to Utah was out of the question.
Meanwhile, I was starting to get impatient and grasp at the future. Well, am I going to be alone for the rest of my life? Who am I going to be with? Anyone? Will I ever have a family? I really wanted a family. Where am I going to live? What will my career look like? HOW am I going to make money? Not a little, but a sizeable amount?
I started grasping at what the future was supposed to look like, because I needed anchors. I needed something to ground me, some clearance through the fog…..I started to grasp at well, nothing…just thoughtforms and projections and whatever I could.
My 33rd birthday was approaching and I wanted to do something special for such a powerful birthday. I decided to snowshoe solo into a backcountry cabin in the Sierra Nevada Mountains with my dog.
No big deal. It was only approximately 3 miles in. Perfect!
I started early to late-ish afternoon, thinking I would be just in time for sundown. I was definitely a little late getting in, and would never recommend that. Especially if you are going into the backcountry alone, always start early.
And always bring a flashlight, or a headlamp.
I had forgotten mine. Home was 5 hours away, and just hadn’t remembered…after all, I was a traveling gypsy. I wasn’t sure where I would end up day after day in those days…..
Well, I started in on the hike. There was an older snowpack, so I was following older prints. It was beautiful and I wanted to get to the cabin before dark and all, so I kept a good pace while still enjoying the view along the way. Throwing snowballs at the dog and such.
It started to get dark. As a rule, when it starts to get dark in the mountains, especially in the winter, it can get dark rather quickly.
I started panicking a little bit, really wanting to find the cabin. After all, if I didn’t find it in time, I would be stuck in the Sierra Nevada with no light source and no shelter. It’s not like I was carrying a tent or anything. I was going to a cabin. I however, did have a sleeping bag and pad. Regardless, the idea of building a snow cave and trying to huddle with my freezing dog, with no other human around didn’t sound fun at all.
Now my mind was starting to race with what could happen and I started to breathe heavy. The fear was starting to make me feel a little weak.
The footprints were becoming lighter.
The “path” of footprints up until this point had been great. Now, they were fading. They were hard to see.
I made sure I felt a strong, divine connection so I could hear any clear instructions I might be given. I knew that fear and panic were no way to make your way quickly and efficiently.
But the footprints….I couldn’t see them.
“What do I do?” I pleaded to the beautiful mountains and the angels.
Where are you?
I am right here, right now.
Exactly. Look where you are standing.
I looked down.
You are so busy looking too far forward, you are missing the step you are on right now.
Look for only the next step.
I looked, and saw it faintly.
Good. Now, where is the next step?
I don’t see it.
Wait for it to present itself.
I relaxed my gaze, and there it was.
And this is how I took each step….step by step, until at the very last possible minute of visible light in the Sierra Nevada backcountry, there it was, the cabin. It just appeared before me like a beautiful gift.
And then I saw the beautiful gift that had been given to me on my 33rd birthday. A lesson in slowing down, remembering to breathe, and trust, and take each step as it is presented. Don’t look too far for all the steps you want to see, but see only the steps right in front of you. Sometimes the step right in front of you isn’t even visible. So you have to wait, and trust that step will present itself.
And be OKAY with not knowing.
Okay with not knowing?
Okay with not knowing. I didn’t need to know everything about my own life anymore. I was being asked to let go and let divinity weave its wild magic into my life without my interfering….let some beauty be orchestrated without my help.
I was at a crossroads. And so was my friend, the one who was leaving Hawaii. Crossroads can be so….darn…..foggy.
But I know one thing from experience. Moments are always changing. What you don’t know now, you’ll probably know later. Where now you feel pain, later you will feel joy. Where now it is foggy, later it will be light and more clear. Everything is always changing. You are not made to feel what you are feeling right now, forever. There is a natural state of balance, of equilibrium. Knowing this has got me through many a dark night.
And sometimes it is just your perfect medicine at the moment, being asked to sit in the fog quietly, patiently, and wait for the next step or clue to present itself. And even though it can be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, you do it, because it is all you know at the moment. It is all you can do.
I am sending this out to those of you who are at your own crossroads and can’t see clearly. My prayer is that you will see through the darkness and find your shelter in the night.
Friday, March 26, 2010
The Truth About Mommyhood
I write tonight not to complain, but to shed a little light on the truth about being a mommy. It is somewhat out of character for me to illuminate those things which society deems more “hush hush”….but illumination can help bring wisdom to the darkest night, the shadow of reality.
Before I became a mother, I heard all the clichés. “It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do.” “It’s a lot of work.” “You’ll never sleep again.”
I remember always thinking that they didn’t know that I was a whiz with children, that it would be different for me, because it always had been. I always had a knack for connecting with them, understanding them, and making them laugh. I had been a nanny countless times, every time, with what seemed like a tremendous amount of ease and grace. These people didn’t realize that I was the child whisperer, the baby tamer, the one who could sooth the fussiness with just being clear and present and patient with them.
So of course, I naturally postulated that this lightheartedness I had with children would carry over into motherhood.
The first two weeks were hell. Okay, not the kind with devils and pitchforks and fiery inferno. More like, OH MY GOD, we’ve been thrown into this, headfirst and have NO IDEA WHAT WE’RE DOING. Screaming infant, scrambling parents. Our nerves were shot to hell! What did I mean, I didn’t know what I was doing? I had been with children for a great period of my life. Why, all of the sudden, did I feel as if I had never babysat for more than one hour, ever?
I was hurting, literally, because I was recovering from major surgery, a cesarean section. This was very unlikely for me, a natural living advocate, who really wanted a natural homebirth. (Another story for another time.)
I was in pain and was being thrown in, headfirst, to what it felt like to not sleep. Not the kind of not sleeping where you are staying up all night cramming for a college final. Not the kind where you are having so much fun you would rather not go to bed. The kind where sleep comes in little bits and bouts, all orchestrated by another being, night after night after night. A being that days ago, was just in your womb. You felt her, you were flowing, it was very zen. All of the sudden, she is out, and not in the way that would have facilitated a gentle transition to Earthly life. A bright lights, many-people-handling, shocking transition.
This trauma seemed to carry out into her life the first couple/few weeks. She was crying incessantly….tired…..scared. Having her diaper changed scared her. Lying down scared her. Being left for more than 1 minute really scared her. Going to sleep scared her…you get the idea.
So, we ambled about probably both thinking, “woah, this is what parenthood is. There is a screaming, writhing, infant and I have no idea what to do with it.” Throw on some serious sleep deprivation on top of that and you have a recipe for weirdness.
“You’re weird”, my partner told me one night.
Oh really, I thought? I guess I might seem a little weird after being pregnant for 9 1/2 months, going through major surgery, having to eat pain pills, not sleeping, and praying to God I would have enough patience to endure this new being who we barely knew.
I felt weird, that’s for sure.
It all smoothed out, thank God. Those first couple weeks were like a crazy dream, you love for what it is, but would really rather never go back for even a visit. The sleep deprivation is now not as raw. It has evolved into it’s own being. I guess one does sort of become accustomed to what it feels like to not get a solid 8 hours for one night, ever, since your child was born. And I was always a person who 8 hours didn’t really do it for. I always preferred 10. Now, that the sleep is random and at the mercy of forces beyond myself, I have just had to let go of what once was. I have learned to accept the kooky little avenues my sleep-deprived mind sometimes goes down, because it is not a solid, streamlined machine anymore. It is random. And jerky. And jagged.
Tonight I was hungry. I decided I had been on vacation long enough. The delicious, fried foods I had been eating were taking a toll. My stomach was hurting and I knew that I could not stomach one more food item even resembling calamari, crabcakes or sweet potato French fries. I needed greens, and I needed them fast.
I put the baby down for sleep. I breastfeed her to sleep, because that is really the only way she will go to sleep. She is a breastfed baby, and I am proud of it. However, that is a can of worms all it’s own, which I will get to later.
I breastfed her to sleep and was preparing my meal. Coconut milk and water simmering on the stove. I chopped up rainbow chard, carrots, dinosaur kale, leafy kale, garlic, spinach, mushrooms. I simmered it all and waited. This dish always put me right. If it didn’t, a couple more surely would, everytime. Get me back on track and feeling strong.
It was perfectly simmered. I ladeled some up and heard a faint…what is that? Is that a ….baby?
Oh God, it’s the baby. Okay, well, it’s okay. I will set down my soup and go get her. It’s okay. I am used to this. For some reason, every time I am about to put the food into my mouth, she wakes up. I’m used to this!
I went and got her and just explained to this beautiful 4 ½ month old that she was just going to have to come on out cuz “mommies have to eat too.”
This was the last thing she wanted. She had been asleep, it was night time. All she wanted was some breastmilk and some dozing back. Normally, I would put down what I was doing and provide just this. However, you never knew how long it would take. Could take 10 minutes. Could take 45.
Not this time. I NEEDED those greens. So I put her in a brand new swing I had just purchased for the sole sake of saving a little sanity.
She cried. I ate. She cried. I ate. I talked to her and explained that it might be hard for her in life if she were always fussing. Sometimes, life is asking us to accept what is in the moment. Sometimes we are swinging, sometimes we are nursing, sometimes we are sleeping. Every moment can be something different and there is no sense in fretting about the moments not being what we want. Moments are just moments….it’s okay.
I got some greens down and took her back to bed to nurse her back to sleep.
She fell asleep.
NICE. “Now, I can get the bath I have been wanting all night.” I had run the bath water as I was cooking the soup. I have to run it as hot as it will go. Anything cooler than that…well, that’s just asking for trouble. You never know when you will actually be able to step into the bathtub with an infant in the house. It could be 5 minutes, it could be more than an hour. So run that bugger as hot as you can get it.
I lit a candle and was about to step into a hot oasis when……..is that a …….baby?
It’s a baby! Okay, the baby is crying again and I need to abandon this dream vacation of a bath I had planned and go …….nurse her back to sleep.
This time, I told her that it was time to go night night.
She let out a big old burp and actually laid her head down.
It seemed she was getting the picture.
She went to sleep and stayed asleep, and is sleeping now, as I write this, AFTER MY BATH. See, when they finally fall asleep, as she is now, the mommy should also be sleeping. That’s what all the books say…”nap when they nap.” But even though all day long I kept saying, let’s go to bed at 7 tonight!, it was now 11:03 and I was still awake. Even though you experience the fitful sleeping bouts night after night and you are exhausted, when that baby finally goes down, and you get to enjoy some personal, alone time, or time with your beloved, you sort of forget how tired you were. Somehow, you get a burst of energy that propels you into the night. It is the strangest phenomenon. Like my psyche is somehow helping me hold on to that woman of fierce independence I once knew and have to brush off a lot now. Alone time is few and far between. Even when you are alone, you are thinking about your baby, as I am now. It’s an entirely different world, one that is as foreign as the day is long. One that I am ALWAYS just bumbling along, learning as I go. And I thought I was a baby whisperer! Oh how funny it can be when we assume we know what something will be like, just because we have formed an opinion based on our experience and imaginings. This motherhood thing basically has me by the teeth! I am going along for a ride and am at the mercy and humble graciousness of something I had no idea of before. Just tinkling dreams, tastings, assumptions. And now that I am in it almost five months, that is still what I know of it. Tinkling dreams, tastings, although not so much assumptions anymore. Never make assumptions….Don Miguel Ruiz. One of the four agreements. Those agreements. They really are a wonderful model to remember as we go through this remarkable journey…this dance of life. This unfolding, complex lotus of discovery.
So we bumble and we bumble. Just figuring it out as we go. It is fun and challenging all at the same time. It is your deepest dream come true and your mind wondering how on Earth can you continue. Some moments challenge you beyond your deepest, darkest night. Lessons come up that you were SO sure you had healed long, long ago. Lessons of your own childhood and parents and conditioning. They sometimes say that you become your parents. Well, we don’t all become our parents, but man, do those early experiences sure come back out of your cellular memory and blast you sometimes! Issues we had worked through of how our parents raised us, only to discover some of that stuff really sticks, beyond prayer and healing. So you are, absolutely, in every day and every way, living a spiritual practice. You are practicing and practicing and practicing. Every moment is a spiritual practice when you have a little baby. When you are tired beyond belief and your baby has been through every thing you have, swings, chairs, arms, breasts, bed, baths, walks, singing….on and on and on, and she is STILL crying…maybe she’s teething, it doesn’t matter. In those moments when you are at your wit’s end and you want to YELL but you don’t because the spiritual practice is moving beyond that yelling and finding your deep sense of peace and calm you had been cultivating through meditation and yoga for years and sometimes you get it and sometimes…..it is whispy. Sometimes you want it and you know it’s there…..
You continue to practice.
You get it better next time. You try not to beat yourself up for not being the world’s perfect mother.
You practice. You breathe. You release. You love.
And when that baby wakes up, you drop what you are doing and you go to her.
Forget about the way you were. Here, now is where you are. You are on a new frontier. You are realizing parts of yourself you never knew existed.
I thought I knew deeply what adventure was. Venturing out into the great unknown with courage as my only robe, God as my only friend. Well, THIS was true adventure. THIS was truly unknown. Deeper than I had ever imagined. Deeper love, deeper guilt, deeper everything. This was just the beginning. Just the beginning of being a Mother…….
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
